Maybe just think about who’s carrying the mental load at Christmas

Ah, the holidays. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so we’re told.

For many women, the festive season – like many other celebrations – can feel more like a high-stakes marathon than a time for joy and relaxation. The pressure to make everyone happy looms large, demanding an exhausting balancing act of planning, coordinating and managing emotions.

The mental load of the season often involves significant ‘emotion work’ for women: soothing tensions, mediating conflicts and preemptively addressing others’ needs to maintain harmony – or protect their own peace.

But when did managing everyone else’s experience become the defining feature of a time meant for joy?

Holiday magic is a product of gendered emotion work

‘Emotion work’ is an extension of the mental load many women carry throughout the year, amplified to dizzying heights during the holidays.

Despite all the rhetoric about seasonal cheer, rest and relaxation are conspicuously absent from the script.

Think about the narrative of nearly every holiday movie, song or story: who prepares the meals, coordinates children’s outfits, meticulously plans the budget, stalks sales months in advance and ensures every detail aligns with expectations?

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Holiday magic doesn’t simply appear.

It’s the result of tireless emotional, domestic and care work performed by women, not just during the festive season but throughout the year.

Take a moment to sit with this discomfort: the production of others’ joy often comes at the expense of women’s unseen and undervalued labour.

But have you ever stopped to ask why women often seem to excel at this ‘magic-making’ compared to men?

The usual explanations – that women are more detail-oriented, better listeners, or naturally nurturing – fail to acknowledge the root cause: gendered socialisation.

These traits aren’t innate; they’re cultivated through societal expectations that train women to prioritise the needs of others.

Research consistently shows that everyone has the same inherent capacity for this work. The difference lies in how deeply engrained norms around the division of labour shape who performs it, and who is excused from it.

There’s no cookie-cutter solution

While the festive season is challenging for many women, it can be even more burdensome for those navigating multiple intersecting identities.

For Women of Colour (WOC), as well as women who are migrants and LGBTQIA+, the holidays bring unique stresses.

These stresses arise not only from the ‘typical’ mental load spotlighted in media and popular culture, but also from amplified societal expectations and systemic inequities.

For many migrant women, the holiday season involves juggling multiple celebrations.

Alongside their own cultural or religious holidays, they are often expected to embrace local Christmas traditions to help their children feel included and avoid the sting of comparison to their peers.

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It’s not just about marking the occasion but ensuring that it is ‘perfect’ – a standard shaped by capitalism and societal norms. This creates a challenging balancing act of managing multiple sets of interfaith and cultural traditions while also facing the scrutiny of those who gatekeep holiday authenticity.

Beyond the demands of managing traditions, marginalised women often face discrimination during the holidays.

For Women of Colour, the festive season can mean enduring microaggressions at family gatherings or workplace events – like being asked to explain their cultural practices or feeling the weight of tokenism.

Similarly, LGBTQIA+ people frequently grapple with family rejection or strained dynamics, all while contending with the societal narrative of the ‘ideal’ family holiday.

Holiday spaces often reflect the biases of broader society, sometimes turning a time of supposed joy into one of exclusion.

For those whose traditions or family structures don’t align with the dominant narrative, the season can feel less like a celebration and more like a performance to prove belonging.

Collective action to support all women

Despite all the talk of joy and togetherness, the holiday season often upholds the same inequities it claims to transcend.

The added burden it places on marginalised women – whether through navigating dual traditions, managing microaggressions or overperforming to gain acceptance – highlights the need to rethink how we approach this time of year.

Perhaps the best gift we can offer is a commitment to equity and inclusion.

We can do this by recognising unseen labour, challenging biases and creating space for everyone to celebrate in ways that feel authentic to them.

Let’s reshape the holidays into a time that truly embodies joy – not just for some, but for all.